Being Looked After is often an incredibly challenging time irrespective of any other circumstance, but the stigma that can come with it can hugely add to the challenge. A common occurrence when you tell people you are in care is something along the lines of ‘Oh so you’re just like Tracy Beaker?!’ and obviously the answer to which is no, not at all. The stigma and (mostly negative) connotations can have a profound impact, and this week we wanted to speak about how this has affected the two of us personally.
Rhianna’s experience
For a long time, I made a conscious effort to only make people aware of the fact I was in care if it would be of benefit to me or it was necessary for them to know, because I felt worried about the assumptions they would make or the labels they would give me based on that information. For me, it always felt that when people became aware of that information, they suddenly got the impression that I would be some what of an underachiever, or a ‘difficult’ young person. This isn’t the case and these assumptions hurt because just because I’ve been in care doesn’t mean I’m any less capable than any of my peers. The opportunities presented to me and my access to them did sometimes create a barrier for my progression, and other factors such as my struggles with my mental health did impact my capabilities, but the fact I was in care alone did not mean I was any less able.
I also struggled with peoples surprise when I reached certain milestones that they didn’t expect of me, owing to the fact I’ve been looked after. It was hard to deal with when people were visibly shocked that I’d got some GCSE’s, passed my driving test or had a steady job, when they expected all of those things from my peers as a standard. As a younger teenager when I was really battling with my mental health, I was chuffed with the fact no one expected anything major of me as it meant I could effectively make whatever poor choices I wanted at the time and nobody would be overly shocked, but as I started wanting better for myself I realised that peoples low expectations had slightly enabled me to keep making the wrong choices. Not many people ever showed disappointment in these choices, so I saw no reason to stop them.
However, none of this is to say that everybody had those low expectations of me, as certain people in my life have always believed in me and made that known to me, which is what eventually helped me get back on the right track and begin making the positive choices that got me onto the path to where I am now. I’ve always been somebody who likes to prove people’s less flattering opinions of me wrong, so the stigma I’ve felt attached to me has become a powerful tool for my personal growth. Not everybody feels this way about labels though, and I know that some people internalise those labels and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, which is why I believe it’s hugely necessary that we challenge these stigmas in any way we can.
Emily’s experience
I always tried to ignore the stigma. For a while I didn’t see it affecting me, but as I entering year 10, I started noticing little things. Certain teachers putting my expected grade way lower than I was originally told, or than what I expected. Other people would drop random comments that made me double back and read into what they had said. It is no secret that Adverse Childhood Experiences can impact a persons life, but why does that automatically mean that we can’t achieve the same as people who haven’t had a difficult upbringing?
As I got older it became inevitable that other people’s views would impact my emotional health. It was overwhelming to think that people thought I couldn’t achieve what my peers could. Particularly during college. At college I studied Health and Social Care with the aspiration to go to university to study social work. No matter what I did, I was always reminded that I would never be good enough. It got to the point where I let people’s opinions and judgement of me affect what I did. I essentially gave up for a long time.
Finishing college was the turning point for me. I got myself a job, moved out of my carers and into a flat and started to work on myself. I started to ignore what people believed I could and couldn’t do and live my life for myself. I truly believe that the negative opinions of other people and my peers has positively influenced my life, and who I am today. Stigma of care experienced individuals is damaging and unnecessary. Live your life for you, as hard as it is, don’t let what other people say, impact your choices and what you want to do in life. You are greater than they believe.
As always we hope you can relate to our experiences in a way that will make you feel less alone in this, but of course we’d much prefer if this was something nobody could empathise with. If you’d like to talk about your experience, or add on to anything we’ve spoken about, please do get in touch.
Thank you for reading.
Emily & Rhianna Xx
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